I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
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