I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Randomize
