I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
