I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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