toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize