My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
