My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
