Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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