So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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