I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
