I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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