It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
