apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Liz is crying about burritos again.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
this is an emotional support booty call
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
