I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
