actually, I'm a sock model
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
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