I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
