found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
