I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
