We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Rumble strips road head = magical
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
