Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
