grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
