I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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