I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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