i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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