last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
