I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
