I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Randomize
