I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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