he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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