I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
