the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
