bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
