The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
lol hangovers are for mortals.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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