How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Randomize
