When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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