Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
