So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
