I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
