What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
