My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
