pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
