that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
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