Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
The Olympian is in my bed
Randomize
