got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
This is my gift to your gina
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
