My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I want to be your penis for a week.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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