I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
