Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
