i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
