She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
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You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
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You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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