My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
