I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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