today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My dick has a subreddit
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
