I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
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the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
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Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
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