This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
