Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
