My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
